Dealing with a disobedient child

Contributed by : Dr Ajab Primuswala

Before assuming that your child is a disobedient child, assess what according to you is disobedience.

First of all, draw a criterion about what according to you is disobedience. Do these following conditions come under disobedience according to you:

(S)he does not follow the things you say.
(S)he is doing something that is against social norms.
(S)he is hurting himself or herself.
(S)he is not listening to you.
(S)he is wasting time and not being productive.

The first thing to do is to check your own behaviour with your child. Children always model their parents. Is your child back answering in the same language which you use with them? If this is the case, mellow down the tone of your language and then try telling them something which you would like them to do.

Another thing to keep in mind is that they learn a lot from their peers. Always have an eye on the company they keep. You can’t stop them from being around people but you can make them aware enough to keep their behaviour in check. You can make them aware about what is right, wrong, appropriate, and inappropriate.

Reflect on yourself. Think about how you channelise them. Do you directly give them commands like “Don’t do this!”, “You are not allowed to talk like this.” You cannot command them like this because such commands will make your child a rebel. Instead explain them the consequences of their actions.

You can explain - “If you talk to this person, this is the language you are going to develop and it is not appropriate in our culture or our social status or our basic learning processes.” “If you feel this is appropriate you can go ahead with it but do not use this kind of language when you are at home.” This is how you make them realise because after a certain age a child develops critical thinking and they have a very strong urge to explore new things.

Just telling them plainly about not to do certain things is not going to work. Give your child strong conditioning about why you do not allow him/her to do so and then leave for him/her to decide. This will help your child to develop his/her own perspective. Gradually, (s)he would realise the consequences of his/her actions. Your child will act responsibly when you trust him/her.

For children after certain age, friends tend to become more important than family and parents. They are just trying to find their identity among them. Here as a parent you should have a vigilant eye on what kind of friends they have. Keep tabs on what social media they use because gadgets give them a lot of exposure which they are not able to digest at a very young age. So be vigilant, stay with them but don’t keep hovering that they start taking you as a disturbance in their life.

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