Ravina Sewani

Parenting is a huge responsibility. And conflicts between you and your spouse due to different parenting styles is bound to happen because you will not agree on everything 100% all the time. The important thing here is to resolve the conflict and look past it and take the steps which are best for your child(ren). You and your spouse need to be on the same page and not be rigid and think, “My way is right. Your way is wrong.” A person’s parenting style is influenced by the way they were parented, their hopes, fears, and expectations from their child(ren), gender roles, cultural background, community, religion, politics, and socioeconomic status. Hence, it is a given fact that you and your spouse will have parenting style conflicts because you both were parented in a different way.Parenting conflicts also leaves children clueless as to what is expected out of them and how they are supposed to behave. Resolving the conflict:<ul><li>Inconsistency</li></ul>Both the parents have different rules and expectations for their child’s discipline, their routine, and their choices. Mom might say that a child cannot watch TV until the homework is done but dad might be completely okay with that. Because of such conflicts and inconsistencies, one parent inevitably undermines the authority of the other. Children are smart to catch up on your inconsistencies and will begin to either manipulate either of the parents for their good or will have more behavioural problems in future. Resolving this problem requires you and your spouse to be completely honest with each other about what your rules and expectations are. Write them down, review them and be sure they are workable. In areas in which you differ, find a compromise that you both can live with - and stick by it.<ul><li>Confusion</li></ul>Putting off the important discussions and decisions about matters like how much freedom is appropriate for the child, leaves the child puzzled and stressed as to what is expected of them. You and your spouse need to communicate about what is acceptable and what is not. You need to take the decisions and let your child(ren) know so that a child knows how to behave in the family.<ul><li>Competition</li></ul>It’s not only kids who feel that their parents love the other one more. Sometimes the tables turn, and there’s a rivalry between parents over their children’s attention and love. Children get stuck sometimes when the father wants to do something with the children (eg. go for fishing) and the mother wants them to do something else (eg. to tidy up the house). In such situations, children have to choose one over the other even if they don’t want to. To resolve this, parents need to find ways to be cooperative, not competitive, with each other. This doesn't mean that you have to agree or compromise on everything; but that you need to go with what’s the best for the child and the family as a whole. Sometimes the father can let go and the mother can do the same.<ul><li>Overt Conflict</li></ul>When parents have arguments over what’s right for their child(ren) and cannot come to a conclusion, one parent eventually gives in. This is not healthy as the parents at some later time are bound to have arguments over something else and this time, the arguments might heat up because of a previously unresolved issue. To resolve this, parents need to learn the skills of conflict resolution. These include:ListeningClarifying points of differenceTaking each other's feelings seriouslyGenerating alternative solutions togetherNegotiating<ul><li>Back Each Other Up</li></ul>Always present yourself as a team in front of your child(ren). Make it a rule that if one parent disciplines a child, the other parent must back it up, even if the other parent disagrees with the punishment. Later, when things are calm, you and your spouse can discuss alternate ways of handling things in private. If you don’t back each other up, your child will undermine your authority as parents. Every time you argue with your spouse over parenting, the focus shifts away from where it should be—your child’s behaviour.<ul><li>Go with the Gut</li></ul>When you and your spouse disagree on an issue and you can’t seem to find a compromise, then try to defer to the parent who feels more strongly about it. When one of the parent has a very strong positive/negative feeling about a child’s matter, the other parent should go along and trust the feelings of the other. For examples, you can say, “I feel so strongly about this. I’d like you to support me on this, even if you don’t see it the same way.”<ul><li>Empathise with your child, but don’t undermine your spouse</li></ul>If you don’t agree to what your spouse feels but nonetheless decide to ahead with their decision, never put down your spouse’s decision while siding with the child. For example, when your child wants to have a toy. You are ready but your spouse is not and at the end of the day you go ahead with not buying the toy for your child. This is what you can say to your child, “I know it’s hard for you when we won’t let you buy what you want. But be assured that we have the best interests for you at heart.” Tell your child that this is a joint decision even if behind closed doors, you and your spouse don’t completely agree.<ul><li>Take decisions when things are calm</li></ul>Talk about parenting decisions when you are calm and can listen to one another’s perspective without being angry or sarcastic. Calm makes it is easier for you to discuss things with respect. When the argument heats up, take a time-out and discuss things later. Don’t be hostile while discussing things with your partner. Hostility isn’t just yelling and fighting. Hostility can include sarcasm, dismissive comments, put-downs, subtle threats, and other forms of damaging communication.<ul><li>Understand each other’s family history</li></ul>Everyone is parented and brought up in a different way. This also influences the way we parent children. When you and your spouse don’t agree on something, try and understand what was your spouse’s childhood like, how was your spouse parented. You can tell them about your parenting and childhood as well. This way you will be able to understand why the other way parents in a particular way. This will help you to decide what is the best for your child quickly and without any chaos.<ul><li>Learn about parenting together</li></ul>Read parenting books and discuss them, or join a parenting support group. Select parenting experts you both trust.<ul><li>Accept your mistake</li></ul>Being stubborn and not accepting a mistake you have made and blaming your spouse can make your spouse angry. If you are wrong, be gracious enough to accept it.<ul><li>Forgive your spouse’s mistake</li></ul>If your spouse made a mistake, learn to forgive and forget. Once you have forgiven, don’t ever bring up the issue again. Never bring up past issues as they make things bitter.<ul><li>Get professional help</li></ul>If you feel like you’ve tried everything and are still not able to get on the same page with your spouse, you may need some professional help in the form of a therapist.

Every individual has different thought and opinions hence arguments between parents regarding the parenting of their child(ren) are bound to happen. But that doesn't mean that there's not a way out.

Resolving Parenting Conflict due to different Parenting Styles

Palak Vyas

In this techno savvy and fast-paced world, it becomes difficult to get our children out of screen time and make sure that they spend some quality time with their grandparents. This is required to build warm and loving bonds in the family. Ultimately it is our relationships and family bonding that matters in life. Tips to increase closeness between your child and their grandparents: <ul><li>Let your child talk to his grandparents. In case they are not staying around, make sure your child talks to them over regular calls. The more they talk, the more they bond. This way they will get to know each other well.</li><li>If it is possible, take them to their grandparents’ place often and allow them some quality time.</li><li>You can plan a dinner date for your child and their grandparents. They can visit libraries or parks or some art exhibition together.</li><li>You can ask your parents to narrate their life stories to your children.</li><li>Your child and his/her grandparents can cook some dishes together.</li><li>A perfect picture is also a good option. Ask them to go to a picture studio and get clicked. Get this picture framed and hang it in their room.</li><li>They can read books to each other. Play chess and some vintage games like snakes and ladders, ludo, carrom etc.</li><li>Eventually, they will develop a beautiful bond and will be sharing stories soon.</li></ul>

Many families observe that children don't want to spend time with their grandparents. This can be improved with a few steps.

Making children spend time with grandparents

<ul><li>Well! Actually it is good to have grandparents around in the same house.</li><li>The child feels loved and warm in their company and sometimes they help you&nbsp;check your own destructive behaviour like screaming or yelling on your child.</li><li>But when these grandparents spoil them with loads of toys and sweets and extra permission of watching T.V or playing games, the matter worsens.</li><li>Here the parents, husband and wife, need to come together and stand up for each other. Whenever there is a conflict between the adults in the home, there is always a power struggle which has a bad impact on children.</li><li>Make a conversation with your child. Make him/her sit and explain your child that whatever their grandparents are doing they are doing out of love. But when it comes to making important decisions or making rules for the child it is parents’ responsibility because they are accountable for the child. We don’t have authority over the grandparents but we have on the child as a child is not an adult.</li><li>Make a conversation on this basis. Be calm, have firm tone and Keep repeating.</li><li>You can talk to grandparents and make them realise that this is spoiling your child’s habits in long run but chances are less for them to change.</li><li>Final word is focus on your own parenting instead of changing grandparents. Also accepting the grandparents without any hard feelings will help in nurturing the characteristics of being non judgemental in our kids.</li></ul>

Conflicts between parents and grandparents are bound to happen but this should not affect your baby in any way.

Dealing with overly pampered children by grandparents

It is not very uncommon for mothers to feel depressed after childbirth. This is called 'Postpartum Depression' (PPD).Childbirth is often followed by a jumble of powerful emotions, from excitement and fear to anxiety and difficulty in making decisions. Most new mums experience “baby blues” which include mood swings, crying spells, anxiety, and difficulty sleeping. But some moms experience a more severe form of depression known as postpartum depression (PPD).&nbsp;While baby blues are short-term, postpartum depression can be long-lasting and can severely affect a woman’s ability to care for herself or for her family. Some of the common symptoms a woman experience during PPD may vary, and they can range from mild to severe:<ul><li>Feeling sad, empty, and hopeless</li><li>Excessive crying</li><li>Difficulty bonding with your partner or baby</li><li>Withdrawing from social life</li><li>Loss of appetite or eating too much</li><li>Not being able to take care of yourself or the baby</li><li>Inability to sleep (insomnia) or oversleeping</li><li>Having trouble concentrating or make decisions</li><li>Frequent headaches</li><li>Losing interest in activities you used to enjoy</li><li>Intense irritability and anger</li><li>Thoughts of harming your baby</li><li>Suicidal thoughts</li><li>Doubting that you're not a good mother</li><li>Feelings of guilt and worthlessness</li><li>Restlessness</li><li>Severe anxiety and panic attacks</li></ul> Reasons of PPD in women:<ul><li>physical changes of pregnancy</li><li>excessive worry about the baby and the responsibilities of being a parent</li><li>a complicated labour and childbirth</li><li>lack of family support</li><li>financial difficulties</li><li>loneliness, not having close friends and family around</li><li>a history of mental health problems</li><li>hormonal changes, due to a sudden and severe drop in oestrogen and progesterone levels following birth</li><li>changes to the sleep cycle</li></ul> Diagnosis:Your mental healthcare provider will ask you to fill up a depression-screening questionnaire to confirm whether you have depression or not. Following are a few ways which you can follow to take care of your stress and emotions:<ol><li>Work on building stronger bond between you and your partner. Understand her needs and desires and talk about your own too. Feel free to express in front of your partner or family or friends.</li><li>Develop a support team from your family. Ask for help. Say YES when they offer.</li><li>Take time for yourself. Have some “me-time” either watching TV, going for a movie or taking a short break from work and spending time doing things you like.</li><li>Talk to other families who have experienced the same.</li><li>Spend time with your baby to develop your own confidence.</li></ol> Treatment:<ul><li>Talk Therapy: PPD is a severe form of clinical depression. Your psychiatrist might suggest you to see a counsellor who will ask you questions about your life. It is important that you answer them honestly. These sessions will help you gain a different and healthier perspective about things. Therapy is different and personalised for everyone but these are a few topics which you might touch in your sessions: your feelings, your beliefs, your behaviour, your life pre and post birth. There are 2 types of talk therapy:</li></ul><ol><li>Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: You and your counselor work together to identify, then change, thoughts and behaviors that are harmful to your mental health.</li><li>Interpersonal therapy: Your therapist helps you better understand how you behave in your relationships and how to work through any problems.</li></ol> <ul><li>Medicine: Antidepressants are drugs designed to treat depression, including postpartum depression. They work on different chemicals in your brain.</li><li>Self-care: Get more sleep and exercise, eat healthy foods, do fun activities and relax. Doing these things can help to boost your mood.</li></ul>

A parent's mental health is of the top most priority when it comes to parenting. A healthy mental space leads to a happy and healthy bond between a parent and a child.

Postpartum Depression in Mothers

Fatherhood is a biological and an emotional sea of changes. Starting a few months before childbirth, testosterone levels lower as prolactin, vasopressin and other hormones increase rewiring a man’s brain to prepare him for fatherhood. Entire area of man’s brain grows and develops in response to hormonal changes in the first year of a child's life, which allows him to care for a newborn. There is an increased sensitivity to crying, a deeper capacity to bond emotionally and a greater responsiveness to another’s needs. Men and women can experience depression very differently. Symptoms which might indicate poor mental health of a father:<ol><li>Increased anger and conflict with others</li><li>Increased use of alcohol</li><li>Frustration or irritability</li><li>Violent behaviour</li><li>Significant weight gain or loss</li><li>Isolation from family and friends</li><li>Being easily stressed</li><li>Increase in complaints about physical problems, like headaches, digestion problems, fatigue</li><li>Problems with concentration or motivation</li><li>Loss of interest in work, hobbies and/or sex</li><li>Working constantly</li><li>Self doubt</li></ol> Some of the factors that can contribute to depression in new or soon-to-be fathers include:<ol><li>Personal history of depression</li><li>Family history of depression</li><li>Worries about being a parent</li><li>Feeling overwhelmed with expectations in your role at work and your role as a father</li><li>Financial problems</li><li>Lack of social and/or emotional support</li><li>Stress in relationship with family or spouse</li><li>Missing attention and/or sex from partner</li><li>Lack of sleep after the baby is born</li><li>Feeling excluded from the bond between mother and baby</li></ol> Diagnosis:Your mental healthcare professional will ask you to fill up a depression-screening questionnaire to confirm whether you have depression or not. Following are a few ways which you can follow to take care of your stress and emotions:<ol><li>Work on building stronger bond between you and your partner. Understand her needs and desires and talk about your own too. Feel free to express in front of your partner or family or friends.</li><li>Develop a support team from your family. Ask for help. Say YES when they offer.</li><li>Take time for yourself. Have some “me-time” either watching TV, going for a movie or taking a short break from work and spending time doing things you like.</li><li>Talk to other families who have experienced the same.</li><li>Spend time with your baby to develop your own confidence.</li></ol> Treatment:<ul><li>Talk Therapy: PPD is a severe form of clinical depression. Your psychiatrist might suggest you to see a counsellor who will ask you questions about your life. It is important that you answer them honestly. These sessions will help you gain a different and healthier perspective about things. Therapy is different and personalised for everyone but these are a few topics which you might touch in your sessions: your feelings, your beliefs, your behaviour, your life pre and post birth. There are 2 types of talk therapy:</li></ul><ol><li>Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: You and your counselor work together to identify, then change, thoughts and behaviors that are harmful to your mental health.</li><li>Interpersonal therapy: Your therapist helps you better understand how you behave in your relationships and how to work through any problems.</li></ol> <ul><li>Medication: Antidepressants are drugs designed to treat depression, including postpartum depression. They work on different chemicals in your brain.</li><li>Self-care: Get more sleep and exercise, eat healthy foods, do fun activities and relax. Doing these things can help to boost your mood.</li></ul>

Postpartum Depression in Fathers

To deal with your crankiness, two things can be done here:<ol><li>Ensure your baby has sound sleep during the night.</li><li>Ensure that you are properly rested during the day. (When the baby is young and you have to feed the baby or change the diapers, it is not possible for you to get rest during the day.)</li></ol> The simple rule is if the baby has a sound sleep you can sleep better and if you sleep better at night, you wake up better- energetic and bright. Steps you can take so that the baby/child sleeps better at night:<ul><li>Make a sleeping ritual. If the baby is too young (infant), you can simply sing a lullaby, make it a point to sing the same song and use it like your sleep song or you can play the same sleep music each night.</li><li>For a baby who is above a year, you can make a sleeping sequence like brushing teeth, bath time, changing nightwear, reading books, lights out, sleep.</li><li>For a child who is above 3 years, you can have a bedtime conversation each night before reading a book. Ask your child about their day at school, tell them your routine and make it an interesting conversation. Tell them stories or read a book, change into pyjamas, brush teeth and go to bed.</li><li>Turn off all screens 1 or 2 hours before bed.</li><li>Train your baby and associate bed and bedroom to deep sleep and relaxation time.</li><li>Even after this, if you find your child is unable to sleep properly at night for days and weeks together, it is better to see a paediatrician or a sleep specialist.</li></ul> Steps to take a rest in between sleepless nights and cranky days<ul><li>Make time for yourself during the day. When the baby sleeps during the day, you go and sleep instead of running for pending chores.</li><li>Create a nice space in your house, cosy and comfy and perfect for you to relax.</li><li>Ask help from friends, family or your spouse to watch over the baby till you take a nap.</li><li>Take turns with your partner at night and even during the day so both of you feel rested.</li><li>But with little kids around it is always difficult to sleep at night so just keep patience, once they grow up you will be alright. Try and cope with it.</li></ul>

Mothers tend to get cranky during the day because it is difficult for them to get sound sleep with the little one around.

Mother's cranky behaviour due to less sleep

my child is pampered by grand parents, what to do